Written by Pterodromae Cahow at 09:38 25/9-2017
Sometimes two seemingly unrelated worlds collide. Such was the case right before the start of Haute-Normandie, when the world of imaginary cycling met the less-than-imaginary crimes of chess arbiter and professional asshole Zurab Azmaiparashvili. During the World Cup Final in Tblisi, the arbiter disqualified Canadian grandmaster Anton Kovalyov for not wearing appropriate attire, calling him a "gypsy". Although obviously Kovalyov is the main victim in this story, the arbiter's comments sparked outrage across the internet as well as across Bermuda. The main reason for the latter is that the clothing that the arbiter deemed inappropriate turned out to have been Bermuda shorts.
The arbiter's comments seem to have hurt in particular the younger generation of riders at Pterodromae Cahow. Immediately after the incident, Amery Styles issued a statement, stating that Bermuda shorts are considered appropriate business attire on Bermuda and have been so ever since the Second World War. Styles, donning bright red Bermuda shorts himself, added: "Not only is my name also a grammatically correct sentence, but I believe it is also an appropriate appreciation of my sense of clothing. Nobody should be called a gypsy over dressing in garments as fashionable as Bermuda shorts!"
Statements such as Styles' could have been the end of it, but Lucas Engelhardt decided to take things one step further. Knowing that the eyes of the world were upon him after his successful Kickstarter, after riding to a second place in Belgium wearing Bermuda shorts Engelhardt made a bold declaration. He declared he would come to Haute-Normandie in absolute top form and that for the honor and glory of Bermuda he would win it wearing Bermuda shorts. Although it seemed risky to take such actions in Engelhardt's first Division 2 tour as a captain, he absolutely insisted he had to take action to preserve the reputation of Bermuda's national garb.
Unfortunately for Engelhardt, Pterodromae Cahow and the nation of Bermuda, the results of Engelhardt's action did not reflect his ambition. During all three full-length stages, Engelhardt struggled to get comfortable in his shorts, suffering from the impact of riding hundreds of kilometers over the notoriously uneven French cobbles on his less-than-fully protected rear. All of these stages were marked simply as off-days by the race report, which showed its usual lack of sensitivity to all but the most basic storylines that had come into play. As a result of these off-days, Engelhardt ended up missing out on GC and YC success as well as a stage result. All in all, the end result of his actions was quite simply a dreadful Tour for himself and for the Storm Petrels. Even so, Engelhardt refused to admit that wearing Bermuda shorts during Haute-Normandie was a mistake, telling a reporter: "National pride is more important than personal honor or glory. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find someone to massage my ass". Even if Engelhardt's results did not soothe the heart of the nation, we hope that his spirit and determination will continue to do so.
Although it may seem as if there was nothing but bad news from France, there was a bright spot. Previous to his off-days, Engelhardt had registered an unlikely 15th place in the prologue, an achievement heightened by the fact that many of the division's strongest time trialists were present at Haute-Normandie. Although it remains unclear whether Engelhardt's result should be attributed to previously unknown aerodynamic properties of Bermuda shorts or the sheer force of Engelhardt's willpower, scientists affiliated with Pterodromae Cahow will intensify their research into the development of raceworthy Bermuda shorts. We here at Pterodromae Cahow wish them the best of luck and we sincerely believe that at the end of the day, even though it may seem like these are two worlds apart, there is no place where stylishness and fashion sense meet effectiveness like Bermuda.
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Comments
What Ello said!
I'm not sure what I've just read, but I enjoyed it!
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